The Grandmothers on Tantrums
Dear Collinwood Observer Reader: Of course we do. We have advice on everything. Tantrums are something we are often asked about, because they are a stage of development parents would like to be able to move their child through as quickly as possible. Tantrums often occur in public places such as supermarket check-out lines and shopping malls. They are characterized by out-of-control screaming and thrashing, and if the parent starts screaming and thrashing herself, matters only get worse.
The CauseMost tantrums are caused by helpless rage. The child wants what he or she wants with great intensity, and in their smallness feels powerless to get it in the face of the adult’s – or circumstance’s – “no.” They cannot project into the future, can only see the now, and feel as if they are drowning in a tidal wave of grief at having been denied. At the same time they are murderously furious at the cause of the frustration, often the adult who said “no.” A child's own rage can terrify him or her because they are often attacking the person they most love and depend on, and it can escalate into full blown hysteria. In addition, a child who has been rewarded in the past by his parent giving in to the tantrum - quickly supplying the candy or balloon or whatever the child was so loudly demanding, anything to shut him or her up - may begin to use tantrums manipulatively. Tantrums can be uniquely effective, especially those conducted in a public setting.
What Not to DoWhat you would probably like to do, embarrassed and frustrated as you are, is pick your child up and shake them, or walk away and leave him or her there kicking and frothing, or shove a dozen of the lollipops they want so desperately down their throat – anything to stop the screaming! But since you obviously would rather not do any of those things, you are tempted to resort to scary and empty threats, withdrawal of attention (which can feel like withdrawal of love), furtive arm-squeezing, and lengthy lecturing through clenched teeth. Pull yourself together and don’t do any of those, either.
What to Do InsteadThe child has lost all reason, all control, and cannot possibly respond to reminders or reprimands. They are in a howling wilderness of emotions and can scarcely hear your voice. So contain the child to the degree this is possible. Hold them, murmuring soothing sounds, assuring them that this will end and you are there to help. Carry them out of the shopping mall and sit awhile outside on the curb or in the car, until the sobs begin to subside. Picture yourself as a warm blanket there to protect him or her from the storm until it passes. Only then do you begin to talk, to go over what happened, to try to remember together the incident that led to the tantrum. This sounds very time-consuming, but in the long run it will save you hours of repeat performances.
What to SayWhat to say afterward depends on the cause of the tantrum.
If rage: “You were feeling very angry with me for not buying you that candy, weren’t you? You were so angry that you started crying and you couldn’t stop. That must have been very scary. I bet you hope that doesn’t happen again.”
If manipulative: “I think when you screamed and cried in the store because I wouldn’t buy candy for you, you thought that your crying would make me change my mind. It didn’t work, did it? It isn’t going to work next time, either. Let’s talk about more big person ways for you to tell me what you want.”
Next Time If possible, avoid the tantrum producing circumstance in the first place. But if you have to return to the scene of the tantrum, then prepare your child in advance. Tell them that they can help you select some plums or apples for a snack, and that the candy in the check-out line in still going to be there, but that you aren’t going to buy any this time. Then keep your word! With an older child, you might appeal to his or her desire to be more grown up and avoid the embarrassment of public tantrums.