During the Holidays it's worse

Dear Grandmothers:

I have this problem all of the time but during the holidays it seems worse and I’ve been meaning to write so now I am doing so.

I am a divorced mom with two kids, 6 and 9.  I have the main custody of my kids but they get time to go with their dad to his family’s events during the holidays, or wherever he wants to take them.

His family hates me and tells my children bad things about me that are not true and that upset them and my ex does nothing to stop it and even maybe encourages it.

I don’t even know what they say because I think my kids don’t tell me when they get back to not hurt my feelings or because they are hurt or confused or they are afraid that what those people say is TRUE!

I have talked to my former spouse about this. I try to not say anything about him to my kids, I realize the court says he can see them. He does not seem to pay attention, I don’t think he wants to cross his family and stand up for me.

I don’t know what to do about this, don’t know what to say to my kids to not make it worse.

Thank you and happy holidays. I appreciate your column whenever I see it. I would like to show this to my ex husband.


Marilyn M., North Collinwood.

Dear Marilyn,

You are so right: during the holidays it is worse. Everything is worse, because we are assaulted on all sides by visions of smiling families sitting around perfectly symmetrical and lavishly decorated Christmas trees, knee-high in gifts and good will. In reality, most live trees have a regrettable side, and most real life families do, too. In our heads we realize that, but in our hearts we wish so desperately that we could have, just once, the holiday season of our dreams. 

And it seems especially unfair that our children have to be exposed to adult conflicts in the midst of the holiday festivities. It’s so hard for kids when the people they love are in disagreement, and they feel themselves being pulled apart by loyalty to both sides. To avoid this, many kids choose not to talk about it, thus avoiding additional conflict but also leaving themselves with no one to talk to about their unhappiness and confusion. Meanwhile the separated parents – consciously and subconsciously - take satisfaction in hearing recriminating things about each other, and with the relatives contributing their opinions the children hear comments that can be unfair and exaggerated.

You have wisely decided that talking to your ex-spouse doesn’t help, and that you have no control over him or his family, but that what you say to your children is of primary importance. And, in fact, the Grandmothers have only three things to offer you: our empathy, hope (it may take a few years, but you will recover), and the words to say to your children:

“Daddy and I say unkind things about one another sometimes and have mean thoughts, and I know it shows. This puts you in a hard place because you have love for and feel loyalty toward each of us. We both love you very much.  Often married couples, although in love in the beginning, grow apart for many reasons. This is not your fault, even though it may feel that way sometimes, especially when you’re asked to take sides. I’m going to try hard not to make you feel that way.”

“It’s OK to tell me how you feel about this. I know you’re sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes confused.  I understand how mad you get at me about this, how sad it all makes you. You wish we could be one big happy family like the people you see on TV.  I wish it could be different too.  I’m so sorry it happened.”

“When Grandma Z and Aunt Y tell you bad things about me, you have to realize that they are angry about this divorce situation too. They feel loyalty to your dad, because they’ve known him the longest. I am sorry you have to hear those things, and that they upset you. Even very nice people say mean things sometimes, especially if they are angry.”

And sometimes don’t say anything at all. Just listen, and nod, and give your children the time and space to talk. You may hear concerns that are very different from the ones you think they’re worried about.

Say the same reassuring things over and over. They need to hear them repeatedly, because they will take them in at different times at different levels of understanding. Avoid asking questions; just wait for the confidences to come out gradually, when they are sure, because you have said so, that it is safe to talk to you about their fears and concerns. Make it as safe for your kids as possible. 

Don’t try to make it better; simply acknowledge their feelings.  What your children need from you is what we as adults most need when we are despondent or anxious: a willing ear, some empathic understanding, an arm around the shoulder, a hug.

It won’t be easy, but you can do it.

Read More on The Grandmothers
Volume 2, Issue 12, Posted 9:46 AM, 12.10.2010