Grandma X

Dear Grandmas,

This is a question about grandmas; it should be perfect for you, I hope. My in-laws are from out of town. Last time they visited, my daughter referred to her other, in-town grandmother as her “real” grandma. My mother-in-law made a joke, and now refers to herself as Grandma X. My daughter (she is 6) feels like she did something wrong, and stayed away from my mother-in-law most of the time they were here. I talked to my daughter about it but “Grandma X” keeps calling herself that and I’m worried that when they are here the next time, my daughter will spend even less time with her, when they have so little time together already. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks!

--Mother of a very self-conscious little girl

Dear Mother,

Yes, you have come up with a question that penetrates right to the grandmotherly bone. Most of us have both in-town and out-of-town children, so we alternately play the roles of both “Grandma X” and “real grandma.” Through the years we’ve come up with two rules for competing with the other grandmother: 1) Don’t; and 2) Whatever the child does or says, don’t take it personally. As tempting as it is to try to be designated the best grandmother, to buy the best presents, to play with the grandchildren the most tirelessly - drop out of that contest before it begins. We grandmothers need to stick together, to support one another, complement as well as compliment one another. And as to not taking it personally: even small babies will reject a caregiver who was their favorite moments before; toddlers will tease and older children will manipulate with their fickleness. They are just practicing making choices and having preferences and don’t mean it as personal rejection, so grandma needn’t take it that way.

You say that “Grandma X” called herself that as a joke, so perhaps she didn’t take your daughter calling the other grandma “real” personally at all. But it sounds like your daughter was worried that she had said something unkind, and your reassurances that she’s done nothing wrong have not consoled her. A few air-clearing conversations may be needed with all the parties involved. Before the next visit, talk about what both grandmas would like to be called: Cleveland Grandma and Chicago Grandma, maybe, or Granny and Nana, and get rid of the offending Grandma X title. 

Or, maybe “Grandma X” truly was hurt at not being considered “real,” and conveyed her hurt to your child. Then the conversation with “Grandma X” should involve an expression of regret that this misunderstanding occurred, and reassurances to the out-of-town grandma that they want her all-too-limited time with her granddaughter to be wonderful experiences.  Perhaps the next time “Grandma X” visits she could bring along a game or a puzzle so the two of them could have something special to do together, and while they were alone they could talk about a better name for her than Grandma X. Meanwhile it would be a good thing if the in-town grandma would step back and let the visiting grandma have some time with the child.  She surely understands that living in town gives her many special times with her grandchild; now there can be times for the child to develop a special relationship with someone else as well.

It’s sounding more and more like we are addressing all the grandmothers out there, rather than coming up with an answer for you and your sensitive daughter. We do hope that both your in- and out-of-town grandmas read this and take to heart this message: concern yourself with the child, not yourself. Allow the child to be ambivalent, to have preferences, even to be stand-offish; she will come around in time. The grandmother’s job is, after all, to offer unconditional love, and not expect it as her due in return.  

It’s not easy, but in the end, it feels better than all the alternatives. 

If you have a parenting question, please email it to us at thegrandmothers@collinwoodobserver.com. Or mail it to The Grandmothers, Collinwood Observer, 650 E. 185th St., Cleveland, OH 44119. 

The Grandmothers are Kathy Baker, Maria Kaiser, Gann Roberts and Ginny Steininger. They meet at Hanna Perkins Center, 19901 Malvern Road, which houses the Hanna Perkins School and the Reinberger Parent/Child Resource Center.  For information call Barbara Streeter (216) 991-4472.