Talking to Your Kids About Sex

TALKING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEX

Times have changed radically since we Grannies were youngsters and able to remain naively innocent about sexual matters until well into our teens.  But there are still some basic truths we can pass on.  They come in two varieties: timeless truths and challenging ones.    

TIMELESS TRUTHS

Timeless Truth #1 – Don’t tell your children more than they ask for.  When your young child sees a pregnant woman and asks why she’s so fat, tell him that she has a baby growing inside her body, and that once he was a baby nestled inside his mother.  While you’re at it, try to use the correct vocabulary.  The baby is in his mother’s uterus, not her “tummy.”  Tummies hold food, and your child could be confused by the idea of the baby swimming around in a sea of mashed potatoes and raisin bran.  But you can stop right there with the anatomy lesson.  Save the charts with the labeled vas deferens and Fallopian tubes for the questions that come later. 

Timeless Truth #2 – Answer the questions with matter-of-fact candor.  Even if the questions make you squirm, conceal your embarrassment and don’t give your child the impression that what he is asking about is ugly or unpleasant.  Use the word “penis” as casually as you say “ankle” or “ear.” Love and teach him love of his body uniformly.  If he asks his question in a very public place, tell him that you’ll talk about it later, but then be sure that you do so.  To hope that he’ll forget about it later is to give him the message that he’s stumbled into forbidden territory.  If you express alarm at what he asks, he’ll stop asking.

Timeless Truth #3 – Listen.  Where do her questions come from?  What has she seen or learned from a friend that is puzzling or worrying her?  What does she already “know” that is a distortion of the truth?  Children’s thought processes are different from adults’ and she may need your help making sense of what she’s seen and heard.

Timeless Truth #4 – Looking doesn’t help, but talking does.  There’s a reason why the best of the books that explain procreation to children are illustrated with sweet-faced cartoon people and not photographs of adults in passionate embraces.  Children would only be troubled by actual photos, and they aren’t enlightened by seeing actual naked bodies, either.  Their curiosity means they need to be encouraged to ask questions and have those questions answered, but with everyone calm and covered up, not excited and overstimulated.

CHALLENGING TRUTHS

Challenging Truth #1 – Sexual images, conversations and even demonstrations are omnipresent.  One of the reasons we Grannies were kept so innocent for so long was because then there were no adult television shows or commercials giving us gratuitous sex education lessons; even the lovers in the movies kept their clothes on in those days.  Today’s parents can try, but protecting children from these programs and images seems impossible; they occur at all times of the day and on almost every television channel.  There are technological ways to keep your child from seeing adult-themed programming when your child is in her own home, but what about when she visits friends who perhaps aren’t as vigilant as you are?  What about the ads in magazines, newspapers, even the billboards that you drive her past on her way to preschool?  And what will happen when she learns to read?  Is it not also your task to prepare her for the world that she lives in, give her the information she needs to protect herself from the onslaught of sexual imagery and themes coming at her from every direction?

We won’t try to come up with Challenging Truths #2-4. Challenging Truth #1 is quite enough.  But how do you help children who have been exposed to puzzling images and words?  And what if they don’t ask any questions?

WHAT TO WATCH FOR:

A telling change in his behavior.  Suddenly he’s popping in on you in the bathroom or bedroom, or his preschool teacher tells you he’s been peeping under toilet stalls, or he’s staring at you when you get undressed in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, and it’s clear that comments (or scenes on television) that used to go over his head aren’t any more. Or maybe he starts hanging onto his groin as if it has become risky to leave it unprotected.  Any or all of these could be indications that he is puzzled and curious and is trying to understand something he’s seen or heard about.

WHAT TO SAY AND DO:

Monitor what your child watches on TV, of course, and when necessary watch it with him so you can explain scenes that might be confusing for him.  If you’re watching television together, and something occurs onscreen that you think might have aroused that new curiosity of his, say, “That was confusing,” or “That was a surprise; what did you think was going on?” and then clarify his interpretation of the scene for him in language he can understand; then invite his questions.

     If he barges in on you in the shower or starts playing “doctor” with his playmates, trying to get a better view of people with their clothes off, get everyone’s clothes back on (see Timeless Truth #4) and say, “You must have some questions,” and encourage him to ask them. 

     If you go to pick her up from a playdate and find her totally absorbed in a rerun of “Friends” - reluctant to leave it, in fact - wait until you get her in the car but then say, “That wasn’t a kids’ program you were watching.  Do you have some questions about it?”

     For the silent types who may demonstrate concerns but don’t articulate any questions, you might help them out by formulating the questions for them.  You might say, “Some children have questions about TV programs like that one. They ask, ‘Was that man hurting that woman?’  Is that a question you would like to ask?”  Or you might pull out that book with the sweet cartoon lovers in it to look at together, but don’t be overly dependent on it.  Books can never take the place of talking.

    In every instance, give him (or her – we’re trying to use both sorts of pronouns here) permission to ask question after question and then unflinchingly provide him/her with answer after answer.  Challenging, yes.  But the sooner you start, the better.