The Sophia Project

Dear Grandmas,

There is a sweet little girl who lives next door who is FIVE, whose single mother turns her loose every morning allowing anyone else in the neighborhood to take care of her all day. If she could she would live in my backyard with my little girls.  Her mom works nights and sleeps all the time. I can't keep feeding this little girl and keep breaking up fights she gets into with neighborhood kids, including mine because she's pretty desperate for attention and she's not good at crossing the street either. I work also. At home. Help! (It's after school too!) THANK YOU.
- Colleen D. (not a mean mother or a bad neighbor REALLY!)

Dear Colleen,

We believe you! – that you’re not a mean mother or a bad neighbor.  We believe in fact that you’re a caring mother and the kind of neighbor everyone should have.  You have enough on your plate already, with young children and a job, and yet clearly your main concern isn’t that you’re being inconvenienced by Sophia’s – let’s call her Sophia – constant presence at your dining room table and in your yard, but her safety.

All we can tell you is what you already know: this cannot continue.  A totally unsupervised young child who is “desperate for attention,” is left in the care of whomever, and has shaky street-crossing skills, needs more protection than she’s getting.  You didn’t say whether or not you know her mother and have had a chance to talk to her, maybe get to know her, but that’s where we would recommend you start.

In our past lives as directors of day care centers, we Grandmothers had a lot of experience with children we suspected weren’t getting adequate protection.  And the first lesson we learned was, never jump to conclusions. Our practice was to develop a relationship with the children’s parents, to learn about their situation at home and at work, before we assumed that we had a case for the Department of Children and Family Services.  We would tell the parents what we had observed, offering advice and counsel and possible solutions, long before we made that call, if we made it at all.  We tempered our advice with empathy, sincerely given, because we knew how hard it can be sometimes to raise small children on little sleep and less money.

In ideal circumstances, you would get to know Sophia’s mom, find out what her job is that she’s so tired she sleeps all day, discover what’s keeping her from finding appropriate child care arrangements for her daughter.  Maybe she’s lonely, and anxious, and would welcome visits, or opportunities to sit drinking coffee with you in your kitchen while the girls play together. You could do some research, and recommend babysitters, and after-school and day care programs that would be suitable for Sophia. (Starting Point, a day care resource and referral agency at 216-575-0061, could be helpful.) Tell her that you understand how exhausted she must be, how overwhelmed she must feel, but also tell her about your fears for Sophia’s safety.  If you are willing, agree to regularly scheduled playdates for Sophia with your children, making sure that she understands their structure and your limitations.  Then, if after your efforts you still see Sophia regularly running loose around the neighborhood, a call to 216-696-KIDS would be indicated.  We would suggest that, immediately afterward, you call Sophia’s mother and tell her that you’ve made the call and why.

 There are so many Sophias in this city that the Department of Children and Family Services employees have to struggle to keep up with them all, but with any cooperation at all from the children’s parents they can truly be of help, offering classes and programs and advice that can make a huge difference in the life of a child.  Their goal is not to snatch children away from their parents, but to strengthen families, keep them together.

Of course, these may not be ideal circumstances.  You may have already tried a couple of times to contact Sophia’s mother, but she failed to answer the door or the phone.  And it is not your job, after all, as it was ours as day care directors, to advise the mothers of troubling children.  You have your own children and responsibilities, and limited time.  Yours is a difficult position to be in, and we will be thinking about you, as well as about Sophia and her mother.  Please let us know how it turns out.

If you have a parenting question, please email it to us at thegrandmothers@collinwoodobserver.com. Or mail it to The Grandmothers, Collinwood Observer, 650 E. 185th St., Cleveland, OH 44119. 

The Grandmothers are Kathy Baker, Maria Kaiser, Gann Roberts and Ginny Steininger. They meet at Hanna Perkins Center, 19901 Malvern Road, which houses the Hanna Perkins School and the Reinberger Parent/Child Resource Center.  For information call Barbara Streeter (216) 991-4472.