Grandmothers - "When to Get Help"
WHEN TO GET HELP
My pediatrician says he’ll outgrow it.
Of course he will. He’s an average kid from a good-enough family so he will not be wearing diapers to high school, sucking on his pacifier at his college graduation ceremony, or throwing tantrums in the grocery check-out line when he goes shopping with his wife.
Of course, because he is of average good health and from a good-enough gene pool, he probably would outgrow all his childhood diseases too, without medical intervention. But you take him for regular check-ups anyway, and make sure he sees the doctor when he is sick, because you don’t want him to suffer the unnecessary pain and stress of an untreated illness. You don’t want him to suffer the unnecessary pain and stress of an unexamined developmental conflict, either, so that’s why you worry about the diapers and pacifier and tantrums, even though any number of people tell you not to worry, that he’ll outgrow it.
My mother says I worry too much.
She means well. Some parents do tend to worry too much, and need to be reminded once in a while that some problems are minor, predictable, and won’t last forever. Ah, but you ask, which ones?
I’m still worried.
Start with trusting your own judgment. If you are concerned, you should listen to that concern.
If you are concerned about something your child persists in doing or saying, first ask, “Is the behavior developmentally appropriate?” Even though they sound like jargon, those two words are helpful, and what they refer to are behaviors that match, very broadly, the behaviors expected of a child at your child’s stage of development – not necessarily his age, because kids grow at different rates. But, for example, if your toddler bites his playmates, while the parents of the other toddlers are not likely to smile benignly over the toothmarks on their children’s arms, you can be assured that such behavior is within the normal range. If your kindergartener is biting his playmates, however, this would be an issue of greater concern. By kindergarten, biting should have stopped.
I wish I could understand why he’s doing it.
The second thing you might do is try to understand, for yourself, why your child is having difficulty with – with whatever it is. Try to figure out what is going on in your child’s small head and heart, why he erupts in anger or dissolves in tears or refuses to pick up his Legos. He is a child; he doesn’t process information or react to setbacks or experience time the way an adult would, so often it isn’t easy to figure out if he’s upset over something you said twenty minutes ago or if he’s worried about a larger issue – maybe that baby brother or sister you keep talking about with such enthusiasm. But you can observe, and listen, and make guesses, and get so in tune with him sometimes that you are feeling what he feels. And then you can talk to him about it, and let him know he is understood. Just as you are consoled by a friend nodding understanding over a cup of coffee, he will be comforted by your simple acknowledgement of his feelings.
Maybe I need advice.
But maybe you need some help in your understanding, so a third thing you might do is find a professional you can talk to, some neutral, objective person, preferably someone with whom you have (or with whom you feel you can develop) a trusting relationship. You need to talk to someone who is knowledgeable about child development, of course, but also someone who can understand your discomfort and not dismiss it, someone who will know how hard it is to hear from your child’s teacher, for example, that your child is disrupting the classroom. This person should not be telling you either to ignore it (because he’ll outgrow it), or, at the other extreme, that your child is clearly disturbed. Your someone needs to help you determine what the stress is that is causing your child’s behavior, and to work with you in order to understand what your child is feeling and why.
When you understand, what to do about it will become clear.
By listening to your child, your own concerns, and possibly the advice of a caring professional, you will no longer be waiting for your son or daughter to “outgrow it.” Instead you will be better able to grow along with your child through each remarkable stage.
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